Addendum to my previous post

I'll make this short and sweet.

*clears throat*

I was right

Some people make me want to scream.

Trust.

Oh Trust...you and I go back a long way. But not in one of those "hey buddy how ya doin?" kinda ways.

No, I mean like.."I've been dealing with your shit for years" kind of ways.

Now this most recent run in..well..you did what you always do. You came, you saw, you allowed yourself to be destroyed..and now you're pretty much gone. For now anyways I guess.

So on to the root of the story.

Girls are sneaky bitches. I am a girl, so I should know. Now girls are notorious for wanting things that aren't theirs. It's called jealousy and it runs rampant in the girl community. In this department, I can't claim to be too much better than the rest. I mean...I did kind of steal the boy I have now.  But the relationship was broken beyond repair when I got there, and after a week it was over. If there was truly something there, it would have taken longer than a week for it to end. I never actively tried to "steal" him...we hung out as friends, and a week later he confessed his feelings for me and ended his current relationship. End of story.

Anyways. It's happening again. But this time, I'm the girl on the receiving end of the shit storm. And it sucks. Because this relationship isn't broken. As far as I know, the boy doesn't want to leave. We've had some hard times, one just recently that was pure hell..but we're working on it. Well this girl is sneaky, she wants whats mine, and she's good at going about trying to fulfill her wishes. The boy is either oblivious, likes the attention, or has return feelings..I guess only time will tell. I've tried to tell him, but he refuses to listen. And I'm lost as what to do.

He and her have a history. As far as I know it's a "friendship" history, but history none the less. I don't want to run him off with my incessant ramblings of jealousy and anxiety..but what do you do? Like I said before, I'm a girl, I know ALL the tricks! Everything she is doing, I'd be doing to if I was that kind of girl. The "problem" is that it's nothing overtly flirting. She never says she wants to kiss him, or go out with him...but she does stalk his facebook, change her profile picture daily ( to show him what he's missing), offer to comfort him,  offer to make him food...those are all thing's I'M supposed to do! And most of it doesn't stem from distrust of him..it's her. Girls have been sneaky bitches since the beginning of time, it's a skill they've only gotten better at. I say "they" because I hate being associated with..well..."them". I guess I just have this belief that you have to help shield your partner from temptation. You don't allow certain things to happen because eventually, temptation, proves to be too much. No one is perfect, no matter how good the intentions are, people fall into temptation. So at what point do I say enough is enough? How much dealing with her advances do I take on before I put my foot down? I hate being that girl who tells a guy to stop talking to their friends, but...UGH! Yea...that's about  all I can say at this point.

I guess we'll see where this leads. At this point I don't really have the power to do anything else, and it drives me crazy...but, I'm used to this feeling. Just, sometimes, I think I shouldn't have to feel it so much.

Sometimes I wonder...

As I lay here..watching yet ANOTHER season of Dexter...god I'm hooked on that show..I wonder. 

Would life just be easier if I just pushed everyone that had the possibility of hurting me (aka..the ones I care about) away..and lived as a hermit. Well..a transient hermit anyways. Going from place to place, seeing what the world has to offer..working when I need to, relaxing when I don't.

God that sounds tempting.

No..this is soooooooo not one of those emo "give me attention, no body loves me" blogs. I mean..if you want one of those..I could try to channel my inner "Amy" and write one. I think we all have an inner "Amy" it's just how you handle it (please don't ask me to describe "Amy"..lol it makes me sick just trying)

But seriously, I don't hurt myself, I don't let myself down. It's always other people. It's because I can't be in other people's brains. Really..if I was a mind reader life would be sooooooo much easier. I always know MY intentions..but what are their's? Why did he say that? Why did she do this? Is that REALLY just a friend or is there more? God, it's enough to drive you insane! Lol I'm already insane..so I obviously mean MORE insane. My anxiety, I don't deal with it over shit that I do, or decisions I need to make. It's all "what is he or she going to decide I mean to them...and when?" This is the same thing in relationships as it is in friendships. You never really know what you mean to someone until..well...never. Because as long as you're alive..there is always room for a change of heart. Hell...even after you're DEAD there is room for change of heart. I don't do well with change, lol give me monotony, boring, drab monotony and I'd be fine. I'm probably the only person on the planet that wants to know my future not so I can change it..and not to answer any questions..but really to just know what is going to happen and when, so I can stop worrying. 

Now I wonder, why did I choose tonight to have a pseudo panic attack? Hmm...

Of course, living a transient hermit lifestyle means giving up on my life long dreams. And thats where we hit a snag. Really..this heart ache thing is my fault. I refuse to change, or be more "guarded" or give less of myself in relationships just because I  might end up getting hurt. If you're gonna love me, you'll love me for who I am, not the games I choose to play. I'm hoping that if I play my cards right I'll end up right where I'm supposed to be. But knowing God's likelihood to play games with my life...who knows how long that will take.

Ok..no hermit shell for me..guess I better take this damn thing back to the store. 

Kinda pissed...I got the only pink one with rainbows, stars, and unicorns. 

You're obviously asking for it

So, in all of my awesomeness, I still have a love for lame things. Case in point, I have google analytics set up for my blog. It makes me happy...it's not something THAT unexpected of me..right? So anyways..I have google analytics, and ever since Erik and I broke up..blog traffic has been at an all time high! So obviously, you want to know what happened. So obviously, I have to tell you.

We'll have to start with a bit of back story. When Erik and I started hanging out..he was already dating someone. I didn't like her, he didn't really like her..it was just something that happened. I'm not trying to delve into too many details here so before you go tell me that was already a bad sign..blah..just trust me..lol it wasn't. So when we started dating, where I usually would have said he needed some single time..I kinda figured that he didn't really need it after a 2 or 3wk long relationship.

Anyways, I wound up getting Erik (yay!), and things were pretty good. Well, except for the fact that he had this annoying way of having "only child syndrome" without actually being an only child. Plans would constantly change without much input from me. If I wanted to do something, we'd plan to do it...and then for one reason or another we'd ALWAYS (and I really mean ALWAYS) end up doing something Erik wanted to do. This went on for a while..we both recognized it, in fact, it was actually a joke between us..even though it was causing fights. So we'd fight..well, more like have "talks". Neither one of us is the type to yell and fight..we'd just sit and talk. I also found out that before getting with the last ex, there was also a 2yr relationship he had, with not much time between. Well, after a while, things were good. Actually, they were going great. If an issue came up, we dealt with it, and moved on. We were spending a lot of time together..I was happy, he seemed happy..it was good.

Well, a couple weekends ago, we were spending the weekend in Orange County with Kyle. Erik wanted to stay up and play video games all night with Kyle, I was fine with that..but something was bugging me. We all know I have no patience, and I will always say whats on my mind. So I did. I asked him if he thought he had enough single time between all the relationships he'd been in over the last 3 yrs. He was honest (always is) and said probably not, but he was happy with us, and didn't want us to end. We could work on this. Ok, I can handle that.

And then last Wednesday night came. It was a good, normal night for us. A few outside stresses, but once we had dinner made, we watched Glee for a few hours and had a great time. Then we went to bed, nothing out of the ordinary. Then Erik brought up the conversation we'd had at Kyle's. He wasn't trying to fight, honestly, he just wanted to know why I had asked him that. Well the conversation went down from there. It eventually lead to him saying that all of the times he was having "only child syndrome" was actually him trying to have "single time". Not as in, dating other girls, but the selfish time we all are allowed when we are single. He said he really needed it, and should have taken it and now didn't know what to do. Me being who I am, I know that difficult decisions suck. They're hard, they hurt, and can take a long time to get over...but..they have to be made. So after talking for a while I asked him if he needed me to stay, if this was something we could work on together...or if it was just going to get worse and I should give him space. He chose space.

I'm happy for him. He's getting what he needs and when you love someone..sometimes just seeing them succeed can make you happy enough. However, that doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt like hell. I'm still on that, "Cry  at the drop of a hat" phase, and I'm starting to realize just how lonely California can really be. But, I'll be ok. I always am. I always succeed. I always come out a winner. Right now, the ideal situation for both of us is to give Erik his space, and hopefully get back together when this is over. That very well could change, life has no guarantees..but I'm willing to give it a shot.

Luckily, I came out of this with some great friends, and a new perspective. Life's challenges have always been great to me. Karma and I have a great rapport. Every time something not so great happens, I'm always blessed in return. It's just these first few steps out into the world that are a little slippery.

No, not slippery from blood. Go check. Erik is still alive. Geeze..I'm not a murderer...

One more reason I'm off my rocker...

Living in LA isn't my dream. In fact, I really can't wait to just get the hell out of here. I have commitments here, and I wouldn't back out on those..but dear god I hate everything about LA. Well...minus the Nuart Theater, and Cafe 50's...but yea. The sun drives me crazy, I'm one of those Washintonians that actually LOVES the rain we're so used to. The inconsiderate, self-centered, overly pretentious people make me want to kill myself, and if I have to drive by one more Organic Vegan Salad restaurants...I might kill myself.

All this hatred leads me to dreaming of when I can move. But then that begs the age old question of  'where'?

Now, for a 24yr old, loud, boisterous, girl like myself..."hipster" places probably popped into your mind first -- Seattle, New York, Miami..yadda,yadda..

Personally..I find myself drawn to places like: Michigan, Wisconsin, Indiana..places where people still have a sense of..humanism! Where you work hard for what you have, and love life's blessings no matter the package they come in. Life isn't all about the moments where everything is going right and the sun is shining. For once I'd love to meet someone that can find true enjoyment when everything is falling apart. And I'd love to be able to surround myself with people who have no idea what the latest Coach purse looks like, or what color is the new black..or is it orange now?

There is a song about Phil Vassar that I absolutely love. It's called: Just Another Day In Paradise. Yea, it's a country song..deal with it :)  This song is what I honestly dream about  my life being in the future. It's a song about all of the things normal people can't stand about life: the stressors, the downers, the grey clouds...and all of those things creating your day in paradise. I really look forward to those things. I can't wait to have my kids screaming, the dog going crazy, the dishwasher breaking, and then one of my kids running in covered in paint. Even as a nanny, those were the moments I lived for. I think it's because when I'm under the gun, thats when I really shine.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, life isn't about what you make, it's about the ingredients. Any one else agree?

It's not my party...but can I cry anyways?

Well, I don't really want to cry so you can stop worrying.


Ok..who am I kidding? I'm frustrated beyond belief..and that for me = wanting to ball my eyes out.


Yea, Titanic made me laugh.


Losing a friend usually makes me grateful. Because they probably weren't supposed to be in my life to begin with.


Other sad things that I can't think of...don't actually make me cry.


But get me mad/frustrated and I can barely contain the water works.


So...when there is something going on that I don't know how to fix..or have tried to fix, and fail miserably..all I want to do is lay in bed and cry.


However, I'm not a quitter. So I will continue to do what I feel needs to be done.


But in the meantime,  just call me Crybaby.


Or Crybaby's girlfriend.


Not because I think she's awesome, but because she gets Johnny Depp :)

I know I should...but I just can't come up with a good title..

Usually my blogs are spurred with the conception of an epic title or last line. This blog started with neither but I hope you'll still stick around anyways! Hell! Who knows, I may spurt out a truly epic line right in the middle. Or right after the beginning...or right before the end. Really any where has potential, so keep your eyes open!


Well, lets see..what's going on in my life that you might be interested in? Humm...Oh! Olivia Munn has finally realized her undying love for me. Funny thing is, Kevin Pererra did as well, on the same exact day! We now live in Venice beach has a happy tri-ad relationship. Life has been good!


No, wait. That's not it.


That's right, the only person I'm dating is Erik. Yes, the guy from True Blood, the same exact one! It's awesome..I haven't let him bite me yet, but maybe someday.


Oh wait, no...it's just Erik, the one from Kansas. He's still pretty damn cute though. And sweet, for the most part. I always say that I'm pretty much the most amazing guy on the planet, stuck in a girls body. I don't like drama. Well, I don't like REAL drama...do I like fake yelling at my friends, or dealing with someone who messed with me or my friends? Well the answer to that is yes. Hell yes even. But anyways, I don't act like a girl until you make me.  Because I swear...men are more drama inclined than most women. But with Erik, it's just calm. If I have an issue, we talk, it's over. Thats it. How easy is that?! It's new, and it's still awesome, so far I'm lovin it :)


Work, is well, meh..not as awesome as it used to be. We are all working in an office full of suits, and that drags down the moral a bit. And I'm not huge on my day to day responsibilities, but I guess thats work. Hopefully soon things will be looking up.


That's pretty much it. I dunno...were there any epic lines so far? You tell me.


Until next time kids.


^^^That was pretty funny! Ya know, cuz you're not kids? You're adults! hahahaha..ha.....ha.....yea, no.

Sometimes..

Sometimes, God likes to remind me that nothing is certain.

Sometimes, God also likes to remind me that I'm not in control

Sometimes, God likes to remind me that I'm really just a pawn in his sick, twisted game of life.

I just wish he could learn to send memos instead of shit storms :)

Everyone gets the blues...but not in Dublin!!

This trip has been a dream come true. Ireland is everything I had
hoped and dreamed it would be, and then some. The people are so nice;
it feels good to not be the only one holding doors for others, or
saying thank you, or going out of your way to be helpful to strangers.
Now, I'm not saying I'm a saint, but I do find it odd that more people
don't do things like that at home. I always try to. Anyways, I've
kissed an Irishman. And by Irishman, I mean man, and by man I mean
drunk grandpa who snuck it in when I was giving him a goodbye "cheek/
kiss" thingy. You know how those Europeans are. Oh yea, grandpa went
full mouth, lol I respectfully kept my lips closed! I've seen castles,
taken over a pub, and sang pub songs. Ireland has been good!

Well except for the whole dying of stomach sickness death that kept me
in bed all day Monday. No, I take that back, I did get to go to the
bathroom as well! And then cuz I couldn't keep anything down untill
Wednesday night, Wednesday was good (kissed the Blarney stone) but not
great. Oh, and (for those in the IT Crowd know) then Aunt Irma came
for her visit. 5 f'ing days early!!! So I'm doing my best to stay
happy and cheerful, which isn't difficult here, I just wish I didn't
have to worry about it...here.
I hate that my first blog out of Ireland is kind of a downer, but
that's how it goes. Hopefully the parade in 45mins will fix all this!

Happy St. Patricks day!

In spite of it all, I'm still glad I'm not stuck at home with you
suckers :)

Like the lines drawn in the sands of Tatooine...so are the lines of our lives...

Ok, so I really don't think there were any lines drawn in the sands of Tatooine. Grant it, I've only made it through 3 1/2 of the 6 Star Wars movies...so at some point there may be some important lines drawn in the sand. But for now..it just sounded like an awesome title. You know me...anything for a good title!


Anyways, on to the topic of discussion. Yes, "discussion" meaning I want you all to talk about this..preferably in "comments"...lots of comments makes me feel special lol. So yes, ok, in a relationship...where do you draw the line between "learning from prior experiences" and the almighty "baggage"? This one is always tough for me, because there is no clear answer...the problem is we're dealing with human beings...and emotions...and feelings. There are no rational or concrete answers for any of those!


Take tonight for example. 
1. I see something on boys computer
2. In true Lyndsay fashion...I just kinda shut the hell up
3. I end up leaving early
4. I call boy. He says there is nothing to worry about..confirms my suspicions of me "freaking out a bit"
5. Well I just feel retarded.


And that has happened a few times before (not with above mentioned boy), and I'm always at a loss as to how to feel. I do much better with things that have concrete answers. Everything about myself is concrete...even my spontaneity...after a while, the things I do shouldn't surprise you in the "I never expected Lyndsay to do that" way..unless you're retarded. Just because you're shocked at the action, doesn't mean you have to be shocked at the motivation. So anyways, things have gone both ways for me in the above mentioned situation before. I've either been wrong..or I've been right. There is definitely a certain amount of trust involved...but even then, you're still trusting someone you don't know as well as yourself, because they obviously aren't you! Unless you're reading this and have multiple personality disorder...then the last sentence doesn't apply...sorry. Things obviously worked out...above mentioned boy (amb for short) is pretty understanding..for what reason I'll never know lol. But I just wish I could figure this out. It's bugging me..and I hate having to think. 


So dear readers, (which very well could be just me)...where do you draw that line? Or do you? Drawing it just seems to be an issue of location...not doing it at all seems retarded.....is there somewhere in between? Dashes perhaps?


 Well, are there?


Alright class...word of the day is "Retarded". I've used it 4x so far in this blog...and it's how I'm feeling :)

Why do I always forget?

Anxiety...stress...bad days..all fixed with a deep breath.


It's really that damned simple, yet I always let myself get mixed up into the depths of pseudo craziness before I remember.


So here is an online reminder to myself..and for the rest of the sometimes crazies in the world:

1. Breathe in.
2. Breathe out.
3. Stop being a fucking pansy.

sucktacular days

I suppose everyone has to have them. My life can be as epic as I want it to be, but not every day is going to rock my face off...I just wish bad/stressful days didn't come all together. Or, maybe thats better...get them all out of the way. I hope it works like that. 


On Monday, I got a pretty awesome call, Kim was in Vegas at the WVC (Veterinarian conference) and needed me to come out the next day and help. Yay! First business trip ever! I was super excited...couldn't wait! Then..after a hectic morning..I got to the airport 1minute to late to check in...after US Airways website wouldn't work. So they waited 15mins to let me through..and then when I finally did make it to the gate..they had JUST closed the doors. I was livid. I  called Kim...and she was mad. Now...people get upset all the time. It happens..but Kim is probably 2nd on the list of people I hate upsetting. I was in tears standing at the airport, and my day was just kinda down hill from there. Then come to find out..the original flight I was supposed to be on, was oversold anyways! I wouldn't have made it on to begin with!  I finally got on a standby flight a couple hours later, ran my ass off to the conference, and made it there about noon. Then had to work till 7..then dinner till 9! I was a  tired girl..and just went straight to bed. Then got up...did the conference again and came home. I don't think I would be so stressed if I hadn't made Kim  upset...it's just a sucky feeling cuz I do everything possible to keep her happy and stress free. I'm there to unstress her..not make it worse. I'm sure she's forgiven me..I mean it wasn't even my fault but meh...still sucky. 


And for me...stress = anxiety. Things that I haven't even been worried about...like at all, are just making my mind go crazy. A boy in particular..yea I know..it's always boys. I'm just in uncharted territory lol..which I've never liked. It's been odd...because I'm kinda just waiting for said boy to be "ready" and usually that would drive me nuts..but I even mentioned something to my grandma just last night that I don't mind waiting this time. Which..is odd for me. But today..it's all just hitting me..and my mind is going a mile a minute. I hope it gets back to normal soon...cuz I was liking that unrushed, calm thing. It's really nice.


Hopefully catching up on Lost and Big Love is the answer.


No, not the answer to life, the universe, and everything else.


That..is 42

Tell me 5yr old...whats your secret?

So, Alex has been sick for the past couple days...it's a not pretty chest congestion somethingorother, so she has been coming in to the office because she can't go to school. It's been fun, definitely had it's challenges...but for the most part she was content to just curl up in someones chair and watch SpongeBob reruns on nick.com. I absolutely loath people that use TV as a babysitter, but...we all had work to get done lol. So, yes...I broke my own rule..but just this once ;)


Anyways...today I was thinking about kindergarten and how much fun it was. Painting, building, mushing, learning, and recess! I know as adults, a lot of us look back and say.."If I only knew then what I knew now, I would have napped no questions every day!" But, we didn't. As kids we hated nap time! Alex is 4 and in preschool...and she hates it too!


That got me thinking. Was it just a mater of we didn't want to follow the rules, or was it something more? Why didn't we want to go to sleep? Even at night, I know most of us wanted to stay up longer than we were ever allowed to. What has changed? Yes, we all have our "workday" and other things in our life that cause stress. But if you think about it...we also had those things in Kindergarten. We had our full (or half for some) day of school that while fun, was still time we had to be in a certain place, for a certain amount of time, doing things we were told to do. And we had plenty of stress! Monsters under the bed, getting that new toy, who we were inviting over to play that afternoon...it was alot! And yet, we still never wanted to go to sleep. 


I like to think that it was a sense of wonderment about the world we lose as we get older. Things become mundane, and lacking...and so does our interest. We're no longer seeing things with fresh eyes...life becomes a series of repetitions, with a few bright spots sprinkled in. 


If it is the "wonderment" factor, how does one go about not losing it in the first place? Or as with most of us, get it back? I like to think that I'm maybe at a 10yr olds level..I love life, and everything that everyday has to offer..but I find myself really, really wanting a nap in the middle of the day, even if the day has been absolutely awesome


Well from now on  I say, fuck naps...finger paint!

Let the firing of mind bullets begin....NOW!

Ok, I just felt the need to voice my opinions (outsisde of work) on the whole "Haiti" situation.


No, I'm not sending them money. Personally, I think that Haiti was a...for lack of a better word...a dump before hand, and it's not our responsibility to rebuild it. I am fine with people sending money for aid and such...we would probably need the same if the same happened to us. But to rebuild....rebuild what exactly?! I'm not saying that Haiti deserved what they got...far from it. It was a natural disaster..it happens..we all must deal with it. I just can't justify sending any of my money to rebuild a nation that was dirt poor to begin with. I'm not sending money to make Haiti better than it was before. There are entirely too many children starving in this country for me to be able to make that an option.


Yes, this is the "evil republican" in me writing this blog.

The more you know...

So..in my endeavor to fall asleep tonight. I have learned something very important.


I believe pillows are better cuddle buddies than boys.


1) You can bend them, and shape them to your liking without having to worry about waking them up, or breaking any bones.


And...


2)They don't get mad when you throw them across the room at 2am because they're too hot.


The only drawback to a pillow cuddle buddy?
When you kiss them, they tend to get lint in your mouth.

Daydreams...IN HD!!

Most women daydream while they drive. It's why were such bad drivers.


Most women daydream about Johnny Depp or Brad Pitt squiring them away to some castle, or remote tropical beach, and feeding them peeled grapes, all while having the most intimate, soul searching conversation they've ever had.


Maybe a kiss or 2....might even go as far as some "love making" that lasts for hours and hours....


I, like most women daydream. Hell, I even do it while I'm driving. It even involves a guy I find incredibly hot.


However, my daydream involves Jack Black sitting in the car next to me in traffic, and me (unknowing that he is there) blasting Tenacious D. He rolls down his window and yells something to the fact of "Hey! That's me!!" I then roll down my window and yell back at him "DUDE! We should bone!" One thing leads to another, we go back to his place...bone..then smoke a bunch of pot and walk around Venice causing trouble.


Yea....I'm thinking about getting my testosterone levels tested after I get my insurance in Feb.


Cuz either I'm a dude...or just the most Awpic chick on the planet.

With enough courage, one can do without a reputation...

As many of you know, or should know anyways lol, Gone With the Wind is my favorite movie of all time. Hands down, no questions asked, it's not even really on the list of favorite movies...there is GWTW...and then the list of favorites. When I was younger (saw this movie for the first time Christmas eve of 7th grade) I would always hope that when I grew up, I'd be just like Scarlett O'Hara. A fiesty, confident, society rebel who did everything with the most beautiful smile that would knock men on their feet, and leave them dying for more. I was none of these things in 7th grade. I wasn't shy per se, and I had the beginnings of confidence...but everything that I had was struck down by the fact that I was unattractive and had one of the worst mothers known to ever inhibit this planet. Then, when I was 18 and got married...I started to come out of my shell a little bit, but then I was knocked down and deserted by my now ex.


Since then however, I have grown into this glowing,beautiful, ball of confidence you see (well can envision anyways) standing before you. The other day..a line from GWTW popped into my head. Some of Scarlett's..."to your face friends" (cuz she always flirted with their men) we're walking and one girl,Melanie, who actually likes Scarlett says "Scarlett is just vivacious and high spirited", then the next girl says "Well, men may flirt with girls like that, but they don't marry them."


That made me stop and think.


At first, I was almost upset at the possibility, that while I am all of the things Scarlett was...I don't want to be that girl that men flirt with, but don't marry. And to be honest, I always say that men go through this "infatuation" period with me. For the first 2 weeks they are just dumbfounded that there is a chick as awesome and as beautiful as I am, and that I'm interested in them! My spontaneous, fun, quirky attitude draws them in and they can't stand up straight! But then the novelty wears off. They realize that my fun, quirky, attitude...is actually..just really damned annoying. Now, relationships have lasted past that coveted "2 week" period, but it always seems like whoever I'm dating is really just trying to get that "rush" back. Well...once you find me annoying, lol it doesn't ever really come back.


But then I realized that while I am most of the things Scarlett is, I'm also kind and caring, and know a good thing when I see it. I don't drive others away unless they shouldn't be in my life anyways. The people who are close to me, I love them with all that I have. There is no, halfway with me. Either I would die for you, or you're just not in my life.


That gave me hope. Because the one thing that Scarlett did that I can never forgive her for, was let her Rhett get away. I need a guy like Rhett. One that will let me be me, enjoy my quirks, and love me because I am complete without him, but want him in my life. Someone that I can share the "spotlight" with and lean on when I need help, but is also perfectly content to let me just be me. I like to think that the part that saves me from being Scarlett completely, is also the part that will bring me my Rhett.


Someday :)


Oh, and yes...I am fully aware that this blog is totally, and completely GAY! In a bad way. Deal.

There has to be something...

The reason why I'm so awesome comes from the fact that I have self confidence...alot of it. My self confidence comes from knowing myself. And my knowledge of self comes from learning from mistakes, trials, and tribulations. I always walk away from something (especially relationships) having learned something to make the next one (and/or myself) better. And thats where the last one comes in.


I can't think of a damn thing that I learned from mine and Alfred's relationship. Is that a bad thing? Grant it, what I learned from my relationship with Kevin, took me about a month to figure out. However, that relationship was much longer, and much further along (read: engaged) My lesson there was to stop going after people that I need to nurture and wont nurture back. What did I learn from Will? Don't date someone that's still wrapped up in a past relationship. My ex husband taught me that boys don't change. There were a few other relationships sprinkled in there, but those were the major ones.


I guess the problem is that until that "weird" couple of days...(I thought) everything was AWESOME! Well...maybe not with the caps..but I was a very happy girl. I, along with everyone else, was just shocked. "He did what?!" <--- I got that more than a few times so far. I trusted my gut...he wasn't a "bad" guy (I still believe that), he treated me well, my only complaint was that he didn't call me enough. I always felt like I had to set up the dates or we'd only have one a week lol...but I attribute alot of that to my need to be in control.


Maybe that's it? Small (read:short) relationship, small lesson?  Next time...make sure I'm with a guy who calls?


Ok, one who makes me feel needed in his life. Yea, maybe thats it.


Damn...I really feel like I'm reaching here.


I guess

A special level of retarded, when retarded = Epic

Jesus, lol yep...Lee and I got back a couple hours ago from what I THOUGHT we just did.

To begin, after Friday night, I got home and went to bed happy with the fact that Lee and I had seen Flogging Molly 2 nights in a row. Pretty damn awesome if you ask me.

Thats how I fell asleep.

I woke up, wondering if we were REALLY gonna let a 4hr drive stop us from seeing the entire 3 night FM tour. It ate away at my soul...what kind of pansy asses would we be if we didn't go? So, I called Lee. He was thinking the same thing. 30mins later, he picked me up, and we were on the road to Vegas.

We used Kim's connections to get tickets, but sadly, all that we could get were balcony seats. Balcony seats are just simply unacceptable at a FM concert. When we finally got to the show, I sweet talked the bouncer, Lee paid him $20 and we got on the floor!

Now to be honest, yes, FM was the reason the shows had all been epic! But, one of their opening groups was a Johnny Cash tribute band called With A Bible And A Gun and they are AMAZING! Their presence made the show go from "epic" to "f'ing epic!" Sadly though, soon after we arrived, we found out that they had gone on earlier than usual, and we missed them!! I wanted to cry, but kept it together, and got through The Aggrolites (their music is pretty cool, but I felt like they brought down the energy a bit and I just wanted more Johnny Cash). Then waited for FM to start.

They finally came out, and although it was my third time seeing them in as many days...it was still as exciting as when they walked out on NYE. I got into the pit early, this time I remembered my tennis shoes, and laced them TIGHT! No more lost shoes for me lol. The pit has some amazing energy at a FM concert, I LOVE it. Later on in the show, I got knocked in the jaw and it popped out of alignment a bit. I got out of the pit for a few mins, and then got back in, and it got knocked BACK into place. Moshing as a health plan, yea, it works lol.

By the time the show was over, I was exhausted, covered in about 150 different peoples sweat, and covered in bruises. But I couldn't have been happier :) Oh, and I got a guitar pick from the bassist!! Who (honestly) remembered me when I told him we had been there for all the shows! YAY!

As we're making our way out of the House of Blues, Lee points out that the guitarist from With A Bible And A Gun is walking through the crowd. I RUN over and just gush all over him, lol, and he was so sweet, and seemed genuinely surprised that anyone even knew who he was! I really hope we get to see them again soon. Ok, so California MIGHT be good for unknown acts :)

Then we drove out to the condo, showered, and drove back into town to hang out with Jim and John. We had a good time walking around the casino, and then Jim suggested we REALLY go drink. So we all drive there, and Jim and John ditch us after 5mins lol. Brats :)

We went back to the condo, I took the bed (cuz I'm pretty) and Lee took the couch (cuz he's fat and ugly) and fell asleep. Oh yea, this was at 4am! I was kept awake by Lee's f'ing snoring, and almost killed him, but ended up getting just enough sleep.

All in all, EPIC FUCKING WEEKEND!!!

I do need to remind myself to not let breakups be the only catalyst for epicness of the above level.

"Lee...how do bro's deal with breakups?"

Ok..ok. So contrary to my previous post, your boyfriend MIGHT actually be cooler than mine. Why you ask? Well, probably because I don't actually have one anymore. Yea...I got dumped today. It sucked.

Instead of just coming out and saying "hey..we have this problem" I was subjected to 2 full days of being ignored. Now I don't mean to say that he didn't call me. No, this all happened while we were together for the past 2 days. He didn't wanna touch me, he was distant. It was odd. Honestly, I spent the night at his place on Wed. and if I had driven myself, I would have just left. It was just...weird. So after going through all that, today after we go out for breakfast, we pull back into my drive way and I ask him whats up. And...yea..so now that he knows he can get girls and he has his confidence...he wants to see what else is out there. Grrr...I guess... Oh, and kissing me was apparently just like kissing a friend. Now, I can understand that, I honestly have friends I can spend all night making out with, and in the morning feel absolutely nothing intimate about. But...I dunno. I really don't see where he got that. There was a connection there..lol one that I am damn sure he felt too at some point. But anyways...that was that. He had mentioned us being friends cuz he thinks I'm a cool chick, I just don't see that happening. I would love if it could, hangin out with Alfie was always super fun. But, I liked him. I mean...really, really liked him. Still do (shhh don't tell) so I know that if I'm around him, I'll just wanna kiss him, I wont be happy when he starts dating again, and that does not a good friendship make.

After all that, he left. I went in my room, got in bed and cried. For a total of 3mins. I'm not that girl who lays in bed all day, crying over a boy. Ok, maybe I am lol, but I just didn't want to cry. To myself, crying is a form of weakness. After everything that Kevin put me through...yea..I had my fair share of crying. And even though my heart needed some mending, I didn't want to just spend all day being upset. So I called Lee. He didn't answer, but when he finally called me back, we put some plans into motion. At first it was just Cafe 50's (lol..which Alfred and I had JUST left...but I wanted a sundae) Boondock Saints, and then drinking. However, over our food...we decided that since Flogging Molly was playing at the Anaheim House of Blues...and EVERYTHING can be cured by a FM concert...we decided to skip the movie, and go see the show.

First, we stopped by The Greatest...which is OUR bar! We love this place, they know how to pour a drink! And it's uber relaxing, nothing stuck up or fancy :)

Then we headed ALL THE WAY to f'ing Anaheim, and bought tickets from a scalper lol (my boobs totally helped!) And then, we headed in for the show. It was FANTASTIC! The energy, the love, the flow, it's addicting! I actually did a bit of "harder" core moshing than I had the night before and ended up losing my shoe during the first song! So out of the mosh pit for me, but we still partied pretty hard :) I'm so glad we went, FM is amazing! I got to uber flirt with the bartender, and jump up and down till I thought I was gonna puke!

Basically, while the breakup sucked ass, Lee and I apparently know how to do breakups RIGHT!!

It will take some time, and then I will be all over it, I'm looking forward to that.