Would life just be easier if I just pushed everyone that had the possibility of hurting me (aka..the ones I care about) away..and lived as a hermit. Well..a transient hermit anyways. Going from place to place, seeing what the world has to offer..working when I need to, relaxing when I don't.
God that sounds tempting.
No..this is soooooooo not one of those emo "give me attention, no body loves me" blogs. I mean..if you want one of those..I could try to channel my inner "Amy" and write one. I think we all have an inner "Amy" it's just how you handle it (please don't ask me to describe "Amy"..lol it makes me sick just trying)
But seriously, I don't hurt myself, I don't let myself down. It's always other people. It's because I can't be in other people's brains. Really..if I was a mind reader life would be sooooooo much easier. I always know MY intentions..but what are their's? Why did he say that? Why did she do this? Is that REALLY just a friend or is there more? God, it's enough to drive you insane! Lol I'm already insane..so I obviously mean MORE insane. My anxiety, I don't deal with it over shit that I do, or decisions I need to make. It's all "what is he or she going to decide I mean to them...and when?" This is the same thing in relationships as it is in friendships. You never really know what you mean to someone until..well...never. Because as long as you're alive..there is always room for a change of heart. Hell...even after you're DEAD there is room for change of heart. I don't do well with change, lol give me monotony, boring, drab monotony and I'd be fine. I'm probably the only person on the planet that wants to know my future not so I can change it..and not to answer any questions..but really to just know what is going to happen and when, so I can stop worrying.
Now I wonder, why did I choose tonight to have a pseudo panic attack? Hmm...
Of course, living a transient hermit lifestyle means giving up on my life long dreams. And thats where we hit a snag. Really..this heart ache thing is my fault. I refuse to change, or be more "guarded" or give less of myself in relationships just because I might end up getting hurt. If you're gonna love me, you'll love me for who I am, not the games I choose to play. I'm hoping that if I play my cards right I'll end up right where I'm supposed to be. But knowing God's likelihood to play games with my life...who knows how long that will take.
Ok..no hermit shell for me..guess I better take this damn thing back to the store.
Kinda pissed...I got the only pink one with rainbows, stars, and unicorns.
