I'll make this short and sweet.
*clears throat*
I was right
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Some people make me want to scream.
Trust.
Oh Trust...you and I go back a long way. But not in one of those "hey buddy how ya doin?" kinda ways.
No, I mean like.."I've been dealing with your shit for years" kind of ways.
Now this most recent run in..well..you did what you always do. You came, you saw, you allowed yourself to be destroyed..and now you're pretty much gone. For now anyways I guess.
So on to the root of the story.
Girls are sneaky bitches. I am a girl, so I should know. Now girls are notorious for wanting things that aren't theirs. It's called jealousy and it runs rampant in the girl community. In this department, I can't claim to be too much better than the rest. I mean...I did kind of steal the boy I have now. But the relationship was broken beyond repair when I got there, and after a week it was over. If there was truly something there, it would have taken longer than a week for it to end. I never actively tried to "steal" him...we hung out as friends, and a week later he confessed his feelings for me and ended his current relationship. End of story.
Anyways. It's happening again. But this time, I'm the girl on the receiving end of the shit storm. And it sucks. Because this relationship isn't broken. As far as I know, the boy doesn't want to leave. We've had some hard times, one just recently that was pure hell..but we're working on it. Well this girl is sneaky, she wants whats mine, and she's good at going about trying to fulfill her wishes. The boy is either oblivious, likes the attention, or has return feelings..I guess only time will tell. I've tried to tell him, but he refuses to listen. And I'm lost as what to do.
He and her have a history. As far as I know it's a "friendship" history, but history none the less. I don't want to run him off with my incessant ramblings of jealousy and anxiety..but what do you do? Like I said before, I'm a girl, I know ALL the tricks! Everything she is doing, I'd be doing to if I was that kind of girl. The "problem" is that it's nothing overtly flirting. She never says she wants to kiss him, or go out with him...but she does stalk his facebook, change her profile picture daily ( to show him what he's missing), offer to comfort him, offer to make him food...those are all thing's I'M supposed to do! And most of it doesn't stem from distrust of him..it's her. Girls have been sneaky bitches since the beginning of time, it's a skill they've only gotten better at. I say "they" because I hate being associated with..well..."them". I guess I just have this belief that you have to help shield your partner from temptation. You don't allow certain things to happen because eventually, temptation, proves to be too much. No one is perfect, no matter how good the intentions are, people fall into temptation. So at what point do I say enough is enough? How much dealing with her advances do I take on before I put my foot down? I hate being that girl who tells a guy to stop talking to their friends, but...UGH! Yea...that's about all I can say at this point.
I guess we'll see where this leads. At this point I don't really have the power to do anything else, and it drives me crazy...but, I'm used to this feeling. Just, sometimes, I think I shouldn't have to feel it so much.
Oh Trust...you and I go back a long way. But not in one of those "hey buddy how ya doin?" kinda ways.
No, I mean like.."I've been dealing with your shit for years" kind of ways.
Now this most recent run in..well..you did what you always do. You came, you saw, you allowed yourself to be destroyed..and now you're pretty much gone. For now anyways I guess.
So on to the root of the story.
Girls are sneaky bitches. I am a girl, so I should know. Now girls are notorious for wanting things that aren't theirs. It's called jealousy and it runs rampant in the girl community. In this department, I can't claim to be too much better than the rest. I mean...I did kind of steal the boy I have now. But the relationship was broken beyond repair when I got there, and after a week it was over. If there was truly something there, it would have taken longer than a week for it to end. I never actively tried to "steal" him...we hung out as friends, and a week later he confessed his feelings for me and ended his current relationship. End of story.
Anyways. It's happening again. But this time, I'm the girl on the receiving end of the shit storm. And it sucks. Because this relationship isn't broken. As far as I know, the boy doesn't want to leave. We've had some hard times, one just recently that was pure hell..but we're working on it. Well this girl is sneaky, she wants whats mine, and she's good at going about trying to fulfill her wishes. The boy is either oblivious, likes the attention, or has return feelings..I guess only time will tell. I've tried to tell him, but he refuses to listen. And I'm lost as what to do.
He and her have a history. As far as I know it's a "friendship" history, but history none the less. I don't want to run him off with my incessant ramblings of jealousy and anxiety..but what do you do? Like I said before, I'm a girl, I know ALL the tricks! Everything she is doing, I'd be doing to if I was that kind of girl. The "problem" is that it's nothing overtly flirting. She never says she wants to kiss him, or go out with him...but she does stalk his facebook, change her profile picture daily ( to show him what he's missing), offer to comfort him, offer to make him food...those are all thing's I'M supposed to do! And most of it doesn't stem from distrust of him..it's her. Girls have been sneaky bitches since the beginning of time, it's a skill they've only gotten better at. I say "they" because I hate being associated with..well..."them". I guess I just have this belief that you have to help shield your partner from temptation. You don't allow certain things to happen because eventually, temptation, proves to be too much. No one is perfect, no matter how good the intentions are, people fall into temptation. So at what point do I say enough is enough? How much dealing with her advances do I take on before I put my foot down? I hate being that girl who tells a guy to stop talking to their friends, but...UGH! Yea...that's about all I can say at this point.
I guess we'll see where this leads. At this point I don't really have the power to do anything else, and it drives me crazy...but, I'm used to this feeling. Just, sometimes, I think I shouldn't have to feel it so much.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Sometimes I wonder...
As I lay here..watching yet ANOTHER season of Dexter...god I'm hooked on that show..I wonder.
Would life just be easier if I just pushed everyone that had the possibility of hurting me (aka..the ones I care about) away..and lived as a hermit. Well..a transient hermit anyways. Going from place to place, seeing what the world has to offer..working when I need to, relaxing when I don't.
God that sounds tempting.
No..this is soooooooo not one of those emo "give me attention, no body loves me" blogs. I mean..if you want one of those..I could try to channel my inner "Amy" and write one. I think we all have an inner "Amy" it's just how you handle it (please don't ask me to describe "Amy"..lol it makes me sick just trying)
But seriously, I don't hurt myself, I don't let myself down. It's always other people. It's because I can't be in other people's brains. Really..if I was a mind reader life would be sooooooo much easier. I always know MY intentions..but what are their's? Why did he say that? Why did she do this? Is that REALLY just a friend or is there more? God, it's enough to drive you insane! Lol I'm already insane..so I obviously mean MORE insane. My anxiety, I don't deal with it over shit that I do, or decisions I need to make. It's all "what is he or she going to decide I mean to them...and when?" This is the same thing in relationships as it is in friendships. You never really know what you mean to someone until..well...never. Because as long as you're alive..there is always room for a change of heart. Hell...even after you're DEAD there is room for change of heart. I don't do well with change, lol give me monotony, boring, drab monotony and I'd be fine. I'm probably the only person on the planet that wants to know my future not so I can change it..and not to answer any questions..but really to just know what is going to happen and when, so I can stop worrying.
Now I wonder, why did I choose tonight to have a pseudo panic attack? Hmm...
Of course, living a transient hermit lifestyle means giving up on my life long dreams. And thats where we hit a snag. Really..this heart ache thing is my fault. I refuse to change, or be more "guarded" or give less of myself in relationships just because I might end up getting hurt. If you're gonna love me, you'll love me for who I am, not the games I choose to play. I'm hoping that if I play my cards right I'll end up right where I'm supposed to be. But knowing God's likelihood to play games with my life...who knows how long that will take.
Ok..no hermit shell for me..guess I better take this damn thing back to the store.
Kinda pissed...I got the only pink one with rainbows, stars, and unicorns.
Monday, June 14, 2010
You're obviously asking for it
So, in all of my awesomeness, I still have a love for lame things. Case in point, I have google analytics set up for my blog. It makes me happy...it's not something THAT unexpected of me..right? So anyways..I have google analytics, and ever since Erik and I broke up..blog traffic has been at an all time high! So obviously, you want to know what happened. So obviously, I have to tell you.
We'll have to start with a bit of back story. When Erik and I started hanging out..he was already dating someone. I didn't like her, he didn't really like her..it was just something that happened. I'm not trying to delve into too many details here so before you go tell me that was already a bad sign..blah..just trust me..lol it wasn't. So when we started dating, where I usually would have said he needed some single time..I kinda figured that he didn't really need it after a 2 or 3wk long relationship.
Anyways, I wound up getting Erik (yay!), and things were pretty good. Well, except for the fact that he had this annoying way of having "only child syndrome" without actually being an only child. Plans would constantly change without much input from me. If I wanted to do something, we'd plan to do it...and then for one reason or another we'd ALWAYS (and I really mean ALWAYS) end up doing something Erik wanted to do. This went on for a while..we both recognized it, in fact, it was actually a joke between us..even though it was causing fights. So we'd fight..well, more like have "talks". Neither one of us is the type to yell and fight..we'd just sit and talk. I also found out that before getting with the last ex, there was also a 2yr relationship he had, with not much time between. Well, after a while, things were good. Actually, they were going great. If an issue came up, we dealt with it, and moved on. We were spending a lot of time together..I was happy, he seemed happy..it was good.
Well, a couple weekends ago, we were spending the weekend in Orange County with Kyle. Erik wanted to stay up and play video games all night with Kyle, I was fine with that..but something was bugging me. We all know I have no patience, and I will always say whats on my mind. So I did. I asked him if he thought he had enough single time between all the relationships he'd been in over the last 3 yrs. He was honest (always is) and said probably not, but he was happy with us, and didn't want us to end. We could work on this. Ok, I can handle that.
And then last Wednesday night came. It was a good, normal night for us. A few outside stresses, but once we had dinner made, we watched Glee for a few hours and had a great time. Then we went to bed, nothing out of the ordinary. Then Erik brought up the conversation we'd had at Kyle's. He wasn't trying to fight, honestly, he just wanted to know why I had asked him that. Well the conversation went down from there. It eventually lead to him saying that all of the times he was having "only child syndrome" was actually him trying to have "single time". Not as in, dating other girls, but the selfish time we all are allowed when we are single. He said he really needed it, and should have taken it and now didn't know what to do. Me being who I am, I know that difficult decisions suck. They're hard, they hurt, and can take a long time to get over...but..they have to be made. So after talking for a while I asked him if he needed me to stay, if this was something we could work on together...or if it was just going to get worse and I should give him space. He chose space.
I'm happy for him. He's getting what he needs and when you love someone..sometimes just seeing them succeed can make you happy enough. However, that doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt like hell. I'm still on that, "Cry at the drop of a hat" phase, and I'm starting to realize just how lonely California can really be. But, I'll be ok. I always am. I always succeed. I always come out a winner. Right now, the ideal situation for both of us is to give Erik his space, and hopefully get back together when this is over. That very well could change, life has no guarantees..but I'm willing to give it a shot.
Luckily, I came out of this with some great friends, and a new perspective. Life's challenges have always been great to me. Karma and I have a great rapport. Every time something not so great happens, I'm always blessed in return. It's just these first few steps out into the world that are a little slippery.
No, not slippery from blood. Go check. Erik is still alive. Geeze..I'm not a murderer...
We'll have to start with a bit of back story. When Erik and I started hanging out..he was already dating someone. I didn't like her, he didn't really like her..it was just something that happened. I'm not trying to delve into too many details here so before you go tell me that was already a bad sign..blah..just trust me..lol it wasn't. So when we started dating, where I usually would have said he needed some single time..I kinda figured that he didn't really need it after a 2 or 3wk long relationship.
Anyways, I wound up getting Erik (yay!), and things were pretty good. Well, except for the fact that he had this annoying way of having "only child syndrome" without actually being an only child. Plans would constantly change without much input from me. If I wanted to do something, we'd plan to do it...and then for one reason or another we'd ALWAYS (and I really mean ALWAYS) end up doing something Erik wanted to do. This went on for a while..we both recognized it, in fact, it was actually a joke between us..even though it was causing fights. So we'd fight..well, more like have "talks". Neither one of us is the type to yell and fight..we'd just sit and talk. I also found out that before getting with the last ex, there was also a 2yr relationship he had, with not much time between. Well, after a while, things were good. Actually, they were going great. If an issue came up, we dealt with it, and moved on. We were spending a lot of time together..I was happy, he seemed happy..it was good.
Well, a couple weekends ago, we were spending the weekend in Orange County with Kyle. Erik wanted to stay up and play video games all night with Kyle, I was fine with that..but something was bugging me. We all know I have no patience, and I will always say whats on my mind. So I did. I asked him if he thought he had enough single time between all the relationships he'd been in over the last 3 yrs. He was honest (always is) and said probably not, but he was happy with us, and didn't want us to end. We could work on this. Ok, I can handle that.
And then last Wednesday night came. It was a good, normal night for us. A few outside stresses, but once we had dinner made, we watched Glee for a few hours and had a great time. Then we went to bed, nothing out of the ordinary. Then Erik brought up the conversation we'd had at Kyle's. He wasn't trying to fight, honestly, he just wanted to know why I had asked him that. Well the conversation went down from there. It eventually lead to him saying that all of the times he was having "only child syndrome" was actually him trying to have "single time". Not as in, dating other girls, but the selfish time we all are allowed when we are single. He said he really needed it, and should have taken it and now didn't know what to do. Me being who I am, I know that difficult decisions suck. They're hard, they hurt, and can take a long time to get over...but..they have to be made. So after talking for a while I asked him if he needed me to stay, if this was something we could work on together...or if it was just going to get worse and I should give him space. He chose space.
I'm happy for him. He's getting what he needs and when you love someone..sometimes just seeing them succeed can make you happy enough. However, that doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt like hell. I'm still on that, "Cry at the drop of a hat" phase, and I'm starting to realize just how lonely California can really be. But, I'll be ok. I always am. I always succeed. I always come out a winner. Right now, the ideal situation for both of us is to give Erik his space, and hopefully get back together when this is over. That very well could change, life has no guarantees..but I'm willing to give it a shot.
Luckily, I came out of this with some great friends, and a new perspective. Life's challenges have always been great to me. Karma and I have a great rapport. Every time something not so great happens, I'm always blessed in return. It's just these first few steps out into the world that are a little slippery.
No, not slippery from blood. Go check. Erik is still alive. Geeze..I'm not a murderer...
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
One more reason I'm off my rocker...
Living in LA isn't my dream. In fact, I really can't wait to just get the hell out of here. I have commitments here, and I wouldn't back out on those..but dear god I hate everything about LA. Well...minus the Nuart Theater, and Cafe 50's...but yea. The sun drives me crazy, I'm one of those Washintonians that actually LOVES the rain we're so used to. The inconsiderate, self-centered, overly pretentious people make me want to kill myself, and if I have to drive by one more Organic Vegan Salad restaurants...I might kill myself.
All this hatred leads me to dreaming of when I can move. But then that begs the age old question of 'where'?
Now, for a 24yr old, loud, boisterous, girl like myself..."hipster" places probably popped into your mind first -- Seattle, New York, Miami..yadda,yadda..
Personally..I find myself drawn to places like: Michigan, Wisconsin, Indiana..places where people still have a sense of..humanism! Where you work hard for what you have, and love life's blessings no matter the package they come in. Life isn't all about the moments where everything is going right and the sun is shining. For once I'd love to meet someone that can find true enjoyment when everything is falling apart. And I'd love to be able to surround myself with people who have no idea what the latest Coach purse looks like, or what color is the new black..or is it orange now?
There is a song about Phil Vassar that I absolutely love. It's called: Just Another Day In Paradise. Yea, it's a country song..deal with it :) This song is what I honestly dream about my life being in the future. It's a song about all of the things normal people can't stand about life: the stressors, the downers, the grey clouds...and all of those things creating your day in paradise. I really look forward to those things. I can't wait to have my kids screaming, the dog going crazy, the dishwasher breaking, and then one of my kids running in covered in paint. Even as a nanny, those were the moments I lived for. I think it's because when I'm under the gun, thats when I really shine.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, life isn't about what you make, it's about the ingredients. Any one else agree?
All this hatred leads me to dreaming of when I can move. But then that begs the age old question of 'where'?
Now, for a 24yr old, loud, boisterous, girl like myself..."hipster" places probably popped into your mind first -- Seattle, New York, Miami..yadda,yadda..
Personally..I find myself drawn to places like: Michigan, Wisconsin, Indiana..places where people still have a sense of..humanism! Where you work hard for what you have, and love life's blessings no matter the package they come in. Life isn't all about the moments where everything is going right and the sun is shining. For once I'd love to meet someone that can find true enjoyment when everything is falling apart. And I'd love to be able to surround myself with people who have no idea what the latest Coach purse looks like, or what color is the new black..or is it orange now?
There is a song about Phil Vassar that I absolutely love. It's called: Just Another Day In Paradise. Yea, it's a country song..deal with it :) This song is what I honestly dream about my life being in the future. It's a song about all of the things normal people can't stand about life: the stressors, the downers, the grey clouds...and all of those things creating your day in paradise. I really look forward to those things. I can't wait to have my kids screaming, the dog going crazy, the dishwasher breaking, and then one of my kids running in covered in paint. Even as a nanny, those were the moments I lived for. I think it's because when I'm under the gun, thats when I really shine.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, life isn't about what you make, it's about the ingredients. Any one else agree?
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
It's not my party...but can I cry anyways?
Well, I don't really want to cry so you can stop worrying.
Ok..who am I kidding? I'm frustrated beyond belief..and that for me = wanting to ball my eyes out.
Yea, Titanic made me laugh.
Losing a friend usually makes me grateful. Because they probably weren't supposed to be in my life to begin with.
Other sad things that I can't think of...don't actually make me cry.
But get me mad/frustrated and I can barely contain the water works.
So...when there is something going on that I don't know how to fix..or have tried to fix, and fail miserably..all I want to do is lay in bed and cry.
However, I'm not a quitter. So I will continue to do what I feel needs to be done.
But in the meantime, just call me Crybaby.
Or Crybaby's girlfriend.
Not because I think she's awesome, but because she gets Johnny Depp :)
Ok..who am I kidding? I'm frustrated beyond belief..and that for me = wanting to ball my eyes out.
Yea, Titanic made me laugh.
Losing a friend usually makes me grateful. Because they probably weren't supposed to be in my life to begin with.
Other sad things that I can't think of...don't actually make me cry.
But get me mad/frustrated and I can barely contain the water works.
So...when there is something going on that I don't know how to fix..or have tried to fix, and fail miserably..all I want to do is lay in bed and cry.
However, I'm not a quitter. So I will continue to do what I feel needs to be done.
But in the meantime, just call me Crybaby.
Or Crybaby's girlfriend.
Not because I think she's awesome, but because she gets Johnny Depp :)
Friday, April 9, 2010
I know I should...but I just can't come up with a good title..
Usually my blogs are spurred with the conception of an epic title or last line. This blog started with neither but I hope you'll still stick around anyways! Hell! Who knows, I may spurt out a truly epic line right in the middle. Or right after the beginning...or right before the end. Really any where has potential, so keep your eyes open!
Well, lets see..what's going on in my life that you might be interested in? Humm...Oh! Olivia Munn has finally realized her undying love for me. Funny thing is, Kevin Pererra did as well, on the same exact day! We now live in Venice beach has a happy tri-ad relationship. Life has been good!
No, wait. That's not it.
That's right, the only person I'm dating is Erik. Yes, the guy from True Blood, the same exact one! It's awesome..I haven't let him bite me yet, but maybe someday.
Oh wait, no...it's just Erik, the one from Kansas. He's still pretty damn cute though. And sweet, for the most part. I always say that I'm pretty much the most amazing guy on the planet, stuck in a girls body. I don't like drama. Well, I don't like REAL drama...do I like fake yelling at my friends, or dealing with someone who messed with me or my friends? Well the answer to that is yes. Hell yes even. But anyways, I don't act like a girl until you make me. Because I swear...men are more drama inclined than most women. But with Erik, it's just calm. If I have an issue, we talk, it's over. Thats it. How easy is that?! It's new, and it's still awesome, so far I'm lovin it :)
Work, is well, meh..not as awesome as it used to be. We are all working in an office full of suits, and that drags down the moral a bit. And I'm not huge on my day to day responsibilities, but I guess thats work. Hopefully soon things will be looking up.
That's pretty much it. I dunno...were there any epic lines so far? You tell me.
Until next time kids.
^^^That was pretty funny! Ya know, cuz you're not kids? You're adults! hahahaha..ha.....ha.....yea, no.
Well, lets see..what's going on in my life that you might be interested in? Humm...Oh! Olivia Munn has finally realized her undying love for me. Funny thing is, Kevin Pererra did as well, on the same exact day! We now live in Venice beach has a happy tri-ad relationship. Life has been good!
No, wait. That's not it.
That's right, the only person I'm dating is Erik. Yes, the guy from True Blood, the same exact one! It's awesome..I haven't let him bite me yet, but maybe someday.
Oh wait, no...it's just Erik, the one from Kansas. He's still pretty damn cute though. And sweet, for the most part. I always say that I'm pretty much the most amazing guy on the planet, stuck in a girls body. I don't like drama. Well, I don't like REAL drama...do I like fake yelling at my friends, or dealing with someone who messed with me or my friends? Well the answer to that is yes. Hell yes even. But anyways, I don't act like a girl until you make me. Because I swear...men are more drama inclined than most women. But with Erik, it's just calm. If I have an issue, we talk, it's over. Thats it. How easy is that?! It's new, and it's still awesome, so far I'm lovin it :)
Work, is well, meh..not as awesome as it used to be. We are all working in an office full of suits, and that drags down the moral a bit. And I'm not huge on my day to day responsibilities, but I guess thats work. Hopefully soon things will be looking up.
That's pretty much it. I dunno...were there any epic lines so far? You tell me.
Until next time kids.
^^^That was pretty funny! Ya know, cuz you're not kids? You're adults! hahahaha..ha.....ha.....yea, no.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)